My daughters and I are spending the better part of this summer apart. In two days they leave with their daddy and the following week I leave the country with my new love. For a month...
This is the longest and the farthest we have ever been apart. Think of it. These beings were once so close to me that they nestled in under my ribs. Their daily music was my breath and heartbeat, their nourishment was my life force.
The first letting go was allowing them to leave the safety of my body and greet the world. Labor. C-section. Incubators. And finally the long and winding road home to our tiny apartment where we set the thermostat to 80 degrees and swaddled them in wool and organic cotton to protect them from the harshness of the world. These beings were once so close to me that they suckled from my breasts and received their only nourishment from milk that came from my body. These beings were once so close to me that any loud noise or change in the room would result in them both running to me to read the look on my face, testing their level of safety by my reaction to the environment around us. These beings were once so close to me that when I would get upset about something , they would get a fever and throw up. Flesh and bone. They are my flesh and bone and I am about the spend an entire month away from them. This is a voluntary thing and I am being eaten up inside. This is a summer we all three are really looking forward to and I am waking in the middle of the night paralyzed with fear by the “what ifs” that could happen in my absence. This is something we are all CHOOSING to do and it feels scary - I can not imagine what those parents feel like on the borders of my country. My country that prides itself on freedom and opportunity and the pursuit of happiness for everyone. If I feel like this, on the brink of a fun adventure, what must it feel like to be separated from your flesh and bone involuntarily with no answer to when you will be reunited? Flesh and Bone. We feel the connection to our children in the marrow of our bones. In the depths of our hearts. In our most vulnerable places. That’s how parents feel things. That’s how we ride.
5:54am...
I have been awake since 4 something. I walked into my girl’s rooms and gently touched their foreheads, listening for the sweet sounds of their breath. There is nothing that I love more in this entire universe than these two beings. There is nothing I would more gladly die for, but more importantly there is nothing I would more joyfully live for. I love and live for them. Every bump and bruise and obstacle in my way has been overcome utilizing the love I feel for and from them. I have overcome addiction, faced unspeakable fears, worked unreasonable hours, existed on inexistent amounts of sleep .... all for them. Everything in my life has been worth it because they are still breathing, living and loving. So as we embark on this summer of separation and adventure I thank the Universe for the choice I have to voluntarily let my babies go a bit, at my own pace and in my own time. And as I sit in this still morning light, listening to bird song, expanding my love to the borders of my country and beyond, I pray for those who aren't getting that choice... I pray for all of our reunions to be sweet. I pray for each and every day to be blessed with as much well being and joy as possible. I pray that angels intervene. I pray that the heart connection we have be strong and palpable. I pray to overcome the illusion that we are apart...because a being that has nestled under your ribs, that has drunk from your milk, that has looked to you over and over again for cues and guidance... a being that is your flesh and bone can never truly leave. No matter what. Nothing breaks that connection. No amount of ignorance or oppression. No amount of hatred or cruelty. No amount of sleepless nights. There is nothing more real and nothing more loving than a parent’s love for their child. Nothing can break that bond. I think of the stories we will have to tell each other. I think of the growth and expansion that this will bring our family. I pray that we will all be better people when we see each other again. May this be so for all beings everywhere....