Well, here it is!
In 2018, I wrote a blog about manifesting my dream job. I didn’t know what it would be, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. To be honest, all I had to go on was a vague feeling I know I wanted to have and a long list of experiences of what I DID NOT want to experience again!
I don’t know if it’s like this for everyone else, but in order for me to truly create something worthwhile in my life, it seems I have to go through this incubation period of great darkness. It’s almost as if wandering around blindly in the dark is the required prerequisite for manifesting that dream relationship, that dream job, that dream…. whatever. I think this is why so many of my manifestations have fallen short in the past. I would get so uncomfortable with the blind wandering that I would opt for something safe and known even though it was not THE thing, not the “IT”. Hence, how I got my list of things I don’t want!
Well, it has been a really wonderful, slightly lazy, definitely decadent and often times dark two years for me with regards to work. I have navigated self doubt, guilt, self hatred, unworthiness and fuck of a lot of fear. I have watched how much of my sense of self was placed in having a career.
My level of liberation as a woman, my worthiness of love, my validation of being a good parent, my permission to even be here on this Earth - it was all wound up in a really unhealthy ball of impossible cultural conditioning around the word WORK. "Be there for your family but also be amazing out in the world. Cook, clean, organize, and manage home logistics but also run your own business. Please everyone else but also take care of yourself. Don't let money run your decisions but choose a job that makes a lot of it." Find me a 40 something year old woman in this country who doesn’t have some sort of matching picture to this.
So, for the last two years I tried all kinds of things. I started this blog, I gave private music lessons, I consulted at schools, I observed teachers, I started, like fifteen books, I even looked into teaching English overseas. I berated myself, I told myself what a failure I was, I missed the kids I use to teach, I begrudged the politics that kept me from them. I became that crazy “at home mom” Marie Kondo-ing the house and volunteering for every school activity and fundraiser I could at my girl’s school.
Then I just stopped. I cried. I let my lover take care of me for awhile as I just soaked in this place of
“who am I if I’m not working?”
It was so uncomfortable! But finally, after I stopped whining and wriggling, I started to grow this kind of rooted and vibrant tree inside of me. This tree of unconditional self love and worth. I started to feel proud of myself for making it through the day. Some days that simply meant making the bed, others it meant kicking over a dozen items off my to-do list. But I started to really focus on how I felt doing each thing. I really began to focus on the relationships in my life and how I affected the people that I love. I began to realize that it is not what you do in the world, but the gesture with which you do it. It’s not the what, it’s the how. So if all I could manage in a day was making the bed and eating a meal, I attempted to do this with love, gratitude and authenticity.
This tree grew and grew and it flowered into all these small celebrations. Sing and record a song with a friend, go to Spain for a month, write a poem just for the heck of it, teach a group of teen girls how to do yoga. And these flowers morphed into fruit. And the fruit was this one simple thing: a playful sense of humor. I still struggled with the thoughts around work and gender and money and fairness, but behind it all was this deep and wonderful sense of humor. A jolly, marvelous laugh.
And of course when I let go of trying so hard, when I finally gave up trying, that is when this ridiculous idea came to me.
I’m going to start texting my requests to the universe!
So I did! I got out my phone and I texted the universe, “I want a steady income asap!”. I sent it. The following day- BOOM! I had an appointment and job interview with a preschool who was ready to hire me full time. Now this was a wonderful place with a wonderful vibe and WAY more work than I was looking for! So I had to be a little more specific.
I tried again, OK universe, “I want a steady income of at least $2000/month working from home asap!” The following day- BOOM! I received a call that completely floored me. Would I like to work from home teaching, facilitating and running intuitive healing sessions? Uh! YES!!! Yes I would like that very much! Liliana Barzola from Lotus Lantern Healing Arts had an opening for basically my dream job - teaching and facilitating other intuitive healers in how to energetically survive and thrive in today’s crazy world!
Let me give you a little background on my journey with Liliana. When I was deep in Waldorf Education, I suddenly realized that all of my spiritual teachers up until this point were men. This just hit me one day that these spiritual leaders, while very impressive and in touch in their own way, had never menstrated, had never had a baby or a pregnancy scare, or been pressed up against a wall sexually against their will. None of these teachers had created life in their own womb and I wanted guidance from someone who understood the magic and complexities of the feminine. So I called out to the universe to send me a female teacher. Enter stage left... Liliana Barzola. To say that this woman has helped me an infinitude of times in my own spiritual journey would be the understatement of a lifetime.
Now it's over a decade later and here Liliana is on the phone asking me to join her team. Her healing work has helped and healed so many and given me a safe and really FUN container to explore my own creativity in spirituality. Now I get to help others in this way as well? WHAT!!!???
So now I am stepping into my dream job as an intuitive healer at Lotus Lantern Healing Arts. It’s a place I can utilize, grow and realize my gifts. It’s a place where I can be ME to the fullest version of that word and OWN IT! It is a place where I can giggle and meditate and breathe and pull cards from my animal medicine deck and sing and get paid for it! It’s a place where women support life! I love this dream job and I hope you check out what these incredible women have to offer the world. It’s ancient and fresh all at the same time, it’s silly and playful and safe and run entirely by women!
Thank you universe! Thank you for this opportunity to share myself in this way. And thank you all for reading this to the end! I hope to see you in a class or a healing session some time. In these times, just sitting with someone for an hour and focusing all your energy where you WANT it to be (as opposed to where the news and times might be dragging you) this can make all the difference.
If you have a teen daughter that would like to join our circle of teens navigating deep waters this fall, reach out. And if you happen to be one of the ones traveling blindly in the dark right now - don’t settle for safe. Resist comfortable! There is a dream awaiting you just around the corner and in exactly the right time, it will come!
To check out Lotus Lantern Click here
To find out more about my Youth Initiative for Teen Girls Check it out here!